Interracial Couples On Communication, Self-Education, & Allyship
July 10, 2020DMT Beauty#DMTBeautySpot #beauty
One of the ideas that's being emphasized right now is that being silent around the topics of racism, privilege, and police brutality is not a neutral action — it's actively harmful. So, many of us have been talking about race. On social media, while marching. To family, to friends, to significant others.
For people in interracial relationships, these difficult but important conversations are nothing new — nor have they been seen as anything but essential.
"I'm willing to listen," says Aimee, about the conversations she has with her wife. "It’s about showing up for D’shara through thick and thin."
"I told [Campbell] if this relationship was going to be serious that he had to educate himself about racial injustice in America and be a vocal ally against racial injustice," says Cambria, about her partner. Now Campbell agrees that these conversations are "crucial."
Refinery29 caught up with four interracial couples to ask them how they talk about race. Their responses highlight the importance of rejecting silence, are illuminating for anyone who's trying to be an ally.
"I have always been comfortable talking to people about race, and it’s a very important topic in relationships," Cambria, 22, tells Refinery29. "I remember the first time we talked about race was when I had to explain that getting pulled over for people who look like me or my family members is a completely different scenario than he would ever have to face."
"It’s always a difficult conversation, but it is crucial to ask your partner about how they have different perspectives and experiences based on race," Campbell, 22, says. "At first I didn’t really understand why it was such an important topic, because I only saw her as an amazing person who I would hopefully grow to love. As the relationship progressed and became more serious, we would talk about the different experiences we each had with race."
"I’ve been much more open to learning about how I can make myself a better ally to better support Cambria," Campbell says. "This involves actively challengingly my own biases’ and being very open to hearing the voices of her, her family, and the Black community as a whole. I have to be honest, many of the issues that have been put in the spotlight recently, I didn’t even know existed. I know it’s not Cambria’s job to educate me on this country’s history with race. I have to educate myself and use my platform to talk about this history, amplify back voices, and speak on current issues."
"I’m glad he’s been taking the time to educate himself, that’s the first step," Cambria says. "He’s shared with me the difficult conversations with family members he’s had over the last few weeks regarding race. I hope as time continues he will continue to confront situations regarding race head on."
"It’s been a good change for sure," she continues. "I think we both understand how our relationship should be an example of love, despite ones color, but it goes much further than that. We can’t be colorblind because we love each other. We have to understand how our different racial backgrounds shape our experiences."
Aimee and D'shara, both 29, have been together for 11 years, and talking about race wasn't always easy. "Initially we tip-toed around having the hard conversations," they reveal via email. "But after high school and that infatuation phase, it wasn’t hard at all."
For them, "talking about race took many forms." They view the conversations they've had about their childhoods, including the music they grew up listening to, the food they grew up eating, their favorite memories, and stories about their families as tools that have helped them learn to value each other's cultures.
"Aimee is an incredible ally for all Black lives," D'shara says. "She acknowledges and understands the ‘privilege’ she has as a white woman and although she cannot fully understand or experience what Black people have gone through, she is there and she sits in it with me. She educates herself through cross media on Black oppression and ways we can be a part of the solution. She has taken the risk and had hard conversations with her family to change their point of view. She continues to make her voice heard and her stance evident. There is nothing I need Aimee to do better because is she already doing it. She’s an incredible support system and she speaks up."
"I may not fully understand her experiences or her pain, but I’m willing to listen, to learn and in turn use my privilege as a white woman to show others what it means to be an ally," Aimee says. "In solidarity with my wife and the Black community, I desire to be a part of the solution. It’s about showing up for D’shara through thick and thin. I think I’ve always done that, this just hits on a heavier scale."
"I don’t think I find it hard to talk about race with Billy, but I always have a conscious thought process before going into the topic," Taylor, 24, tells Refinery29. "I want to make sure that I’m creating an open conversation and accepting of both of our views, but that we’re trying to learn from each other and listen."
Taylor says that their conversations have become more intense over the last several months. Billy is former military and police, Taylor says, and they've disagreed about the idea of "good cops" and how they've viewed protesters. Some of their talks have become charged, she says, and they've taken a beat to "mentally process" the other person's point of view.
"Billy is a very accepting and loving person, and that actually makes it harder," she says. "Since he had never treated someone differently because of race, he believes in good cops, which there are. But, the topics that took time to get through were that people aren’t causing violence just to cause violence, it’s a statement of getting attention to many issues overlooked. And although he may not have personally witnessed issues while on duty, there are still bad cops continuously causing detrimental effects on the Black community," Taylor says.
"We’ve gone to protest and movements together and it has helped me see a different perspective and things in a new light and has even pushed me to learn more about unfair treatment and police brutality," Billy, 31, adds. "I believe Taylor and I are on the same page, and she continues to help me grow. I believe that we are successful in our relationship because we understand we come from different cultures but have enough love in our hearts to understand each other and evolve."Photo: Courtesy of Stephan George.
"When Nicole and I first started dating it was hard for me to explain what I had experienced as a child growing up due to race and decisions my parents made," Dalante, 26, tells Refinery29. "Ultimately as time went on she started to understand more things, although it is all very new to her."
"I think the part I find hard isn't as much talking about it. In a relationship you always want to protect the person you love and shield them from pain, or at least I do. So to hear about experiences and mistreatment of my partner due to race is infuriating," Nicole, 23, says. "Loving someone so much and knowing that the system we live in benefits me and not him is the hard part, and then trying to figure out how to change it and make it better."
Nicole views her self-education as a gesture of love. "I think my way of supporting him is by continuing to learn and challenge myself with conversations about race," she says. "We have different lived experiences, so I want to be there for him and be someone he can talk to about that."
"Nothing has really changed as it relates to how we talk because we are both very open," Dalante says. "We are having discussions about the injustices and what we can do to change the world so our kids don’t have to see this this first hand. I really think Nicole tries to listen and understand my circumstances before she passes judgement and that’s the biggest thing anyone can ask for. She’s a great ally and partner to be with during all of this."Photo: Courtesy of Nicole Valente.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
Layla Saad On BLM, Allyship, & Racist Workplaces
How To Talk About Race & Racism With Your Partner
"Say I Do": 8 Couples, 8 Sweet Love Stories
DMTBeautySpot
via https://www.DMTBeautySpot.com
Elizabeth Gulino, Khareem Sudlow
0 comments